Happy Birthday Son

In re-reading this before I posted it, it seemed that I am a little all over. :) I hope you enjoy!

"If our baby thinks it is coming out on the 29th (leap day), it has another thing coming. I am going to gas pedal that baby in there till the 1st." Yep, those words actually came out of my mouth. I felt quite strongly about not having a leap day baby and yet that is what we ended up with. I need to remind myself to stop saying "never" because it always seems to happen. ....I never want to be super wealthy!... well, that one doesn't work but most the others do. Interestingly enough, the never always end up better than I could imagine, especially my leap day baby boy! Leap day now is pretty special.
One year ago either today or tomorrow, our little baby boy Nathaniel Henry Wiebe was born. Now, I am going to divert from the "beautiful baby" talk for a moment because I actually think babies look kind of funny when they are new born. They are kind of squishy looking. I was caught off guard at the births of both my children with that momentary thought of, "ummm? (observe) uhhh? (take in) Ok. (resolve) Here we go!" I get it and know why, they just went through an intense transition but "beautiful looking" baby for me comes a few days later. In spite of all that, even if the physical appearance isn't how they look in the movies, I love my babies at the first moment I meet them, and in fact they are beautiful to me, just a little goofy looking.
Becoming a dad has been one of the best things I have experienced in my life. I am honored by the challenge, responsibility, and privilege that comes with being a dad. It is one of the most important things in this life we men are presented with. Sadly many of us do not take it as seriously as we should. We fail to realize that there is not a single thing on this earth that can mess up our children more than we can but I will save that topic for another day. Let me get back to Nate.
Today, marks two things: He has now been gone from us for four months and either today (or tomorrow :P) he would be turning one years old. It is very hard not being able to celebrate with my little guy. Even harder is the fact that we have two days rather than one to go through it. With that said, we are going through it and the Lord continues to give us strength each step of the way.
To quote my good friend Zack, "we don't necessarily move on, but we can move forward." The pain will lesson and, in many ways, make us stronger but it will always be there even if we can look passed it. The pain does not stop us, or give us grounds to give up. There is still much life to live and much more to fight for. We move forward.
In this, we have picked up a tradition that our friends the Reeves from Northern Utah do for the daughter they lost, and will celebrate Nate's birthday by doing something that we will not get to do with him. So tomorrow, in true red neck fashion, we are going to head out to a favorite Jeeping spot for the day and cook some hot dogs over an open fire. It is something that I am sure he would have enjoyed.
I want finish with sharing this, I have realized now more than ever, that this life is what I make of it. Bad things can happen to me, or anyone for that matter, that don't seem fair and are quite horrible, it is still my decision on how I am going to react to it. I am in control of my response.
On that note, for those who would like to know how I am, I am doing well. Some days are harder than others, but God is good everyday. Just saying.

I love you Nate! Happy Birthday! Have fun with Jesus today (or tomorrow)! We will have some fun down here for you.

Next Steps

I officially went back to work yesterday. My alarm went off at 7:45. I have chosen the theme song from the most recent series of Battlestar Gallactica for my alarm which I just recently realized is somewhat fitting. In the TV series, the human race battles daily to survive against an evil robotic race. In my world, I battle the dreaded siren known as warm comfy bed. Really, it is just a catchy song. I like it.

The morning started with breakfast with my family. I made eggs. Scrambled. I am still not sure of my way around the kitchen so scrambling eggs seems like a safe bet. Melissa said they were good, and my little Ella..."Dad, I want cereal." That is what she had.

It is moments like these that seem simple, but I sure like watching my little girl find her way and make decisions for herself. I always need to remind myself to appreciate and enjoy the ordinary. 

After breakfast I was off to work, where I met up with my boss and my new assignment as I am to adjust back to work and figure out the new normal. As such, our lead pastor, is allowing me to ease back into the position with giving me just two assignments: I am to work with our church's small groups (weekly group meetings in homes), and our Next Steps program. More on this in a moment.

The rest of the day went well, as I organized my office, hung a picture of Nate on the wall, and began evaluating how and where to start focusing my time and efforts. It was a good day. 

The thing that has brought me to write today, is Next Steps. In our church, Next Steps represents what we do to help people take their next step in their relationship with Christ, wherever that may be. It could be meeting Him for the first time, placing their faith in Him, joining a small group that will help them grow, baptism, etc. I am really excited about this opportunity, as I am realizing that I get quite excited when people take a step in their life for the better.

In fact, it can be any step for the better that excites me. It could be the college student who makes a decision to follow their conviction over peer pressure. It could be the teenager that finds confidence. It could be the couple that decides to change how they handle money to better their marriage and circumstances. It could even be that person who talks a little less and listens a little more for the first time. In the case of our relationship with Jesus, it would be that one little step away from our inward focus, towards Him. I love forward motion!

So here it is, I made two of my own "next steps:" one, I finally put my application for American Citizenship in the mail, and two, I changed my Facebook profile picture.

The citizenship application has been 10 years coming (how long I have lived in the USA), and it is nice to finally take that step towards Merican-ing (southern drawl) myself. A few months, a test, and an interview with a judge, and I will be a full blown US citizen. 

The Facebook profile picture change was much harder and has a lot deeper and personal implications. It might not seem like a big deal; however, when Nate died back in November, I changed my profile pic to a sweet shot of him. It has been his pic till today. I don't feel like changing it makes him gone anymore than he already is, but it was part of a prayer and step of trust I needed to take. I need to let him go and trust the Lord that he has him in his care. I know this and believe this but it has been a hard pill to swallow. Keeping his picture up was one more way that I have been gripping the past. Clinging to an off chance of some miraculous event that it is all dream. Silly, I know, but under the circumstances, many silly things are normal. 

I love my boy, and always will. He is in the arms of my savior. This little small change of a silly social network site, was symbolic for me. I am attempting to move forward. I know I will fall back and I know it is still so close and there are many days of sadness to come.  I know that in the days to come, as we would have been celebrating his 1st birthday there will be many tears. Though here is my reality, I need to keep walking. I need to take my next step, even if it is a little one.