...and off we go!

What is happening with the Wiebe family? Well, here it is: we are moving to Salt Lake City.

I have the privilege of joining Capital Church (www.capitalchurch.com) located downtown in Salt Lake City as their youth pastor. My official start date is October 1st and I have to say that I am delighted about getting back into full time ministry! There are three things about this that are giving me quite a lot of joy and an encouraging peace: the team under Pastor Troy Champ's leadership is a wonderful team, I have a huge desire to minister to those who I can make an impact on (while being a little youthful myself), and throughout our experiences over the past years I feel ready to get back in the fight for Christ! It has felt as though God has been working in my life to get me to this point to lead us in this direction.

With this news, I thought I would share some of our journey. A bulk of this is directed to our SMCC family in St. George as we have, though unintentionally, left most of you in the dark. For the pain and frustration our actions have caused, I am sorry. We love and support SMCC the Springs and will always consider you a vital part of our family. Here is our story for the last 8 months.

The SMCC Experience

    I resigned from SMCC in December of 2013 with the explanation that my heart was leading me into professional therapy and that we needed a change in light of our experience with losing Nate. We intended to take some time to create some distance between us and the position of Pastor at SMCC the Springs but ultimately wanted to plug back in after a few months. That didn't happen.

   The reality is that my heart had been so changed by losing Nate and there was so much pain there (still is) that I became very irritable and frustrated with working on staff at the church. My passions and desires to lead people to the Lord have never changed but they were lost, for some time, in my own spiritual darkness. It took quite a few months and even more pain for me to figure that out. 

   The truth is, when I left SMCC the Springs I was mad. Mad at Pastor Tom, mad at Pastor Jake, mad at the church (though not individuals, more the organization), and mad at my job. I felt like things were not going as they should be and I could find every little thing to disagree with and be upset with. What I have come to realize is, that at the heart of it all, I was mad at God. I have served in His church my entire adult life only to have my life ripped apart. I had allowed bitterness to reside soundly in my heart, without even realizing it, and it affected me for the next 6 months. 

   Things became even more difficult, through misunderstandings and probably lack of judgement, as I had my feathers ruffled by something that happened at the church after we left. If you have been part of any church for any amount of time, you will know that where there are sinners, things are messy and people will invariably do something ridiculous to cause someone else to be irritated or even get hurt. This was us ... and likely them. If only we had the ability to step back and look at the bigger picture of our lives and see that in the grand scheme of eternity, some things are not as big of a deal as we see them. 

   I did not have that discernment and decided to send a very angry letter to Pastor Tom and leave the church; an action that I wish I had spent more time in prayer and thought before hitting the send button on my email. This action caused irritation on all sides. We were mad at SMCC and SMCC was annoyed with us. We left the church with mutual frustration. Though I had my inner struggles, God kept his hand on us the whole time. 

   There was a small season where I wasn't too concerned with church and checked out a few in town but I could find something wrong with each one: the service was too long, the music was dull, I didn't feel welcomed. Unfortunately, it is too easy to make up excuses to not go to church.  It was in March, we found Pastor James at the Narrows church by being invited to it by our friend's Eddy and Amanda. We settled in and enjoyed just being attenders for a while. 

   I didn't stay idle for very long and was able to get involved.  It was through this, and some conversations with Pastor James, though I don't know whether he realized it or did it on purpose, God lead me to a place where I knew I needed to mend the bridge with Pastor Tom. It was time to work things out.

   Melissa and I had Pastor Tom, Pastor Jake, and Pastor Paul Robie, from up north, over to our house and worked out our differences and were able to forgive and reconcile. It was a freeing experience. Since then, I have been able to pray for and support SMCC the Springs and wish them the best. The main reason we didn't come back was because we ended up getting plugged in at the Narrows and felt it important to stay there. God was working on us through a deeper healing that I wasn't even aware of and He had picked the Narrows and Pastor James and his family to be our caregivers.  

   I do need to say to Pastor Tom, Pastor Jake, and Pastor Paul that I am sorry for my negative attitude and behavior towards you and SMCC. I love you guys and pray for SMCC as a whole. You all have had a profound impact on my life and have been with me through some incredibly great, and incredibly horrible experiences. I hope that you can forgive me for the troubles and problems that I have caused in this last year. I love you guys!

   To our SMCC family in St. George, I am also sorry. We left you without explanation or cause, and though our desire was to remain quite to avoid conflict, we ended up hurting some of you even more by our distance. I hope you can forgive us. We love you and care about you and welcome you to reach out to us anytime. For both our Narrows family and our Springs family, we will be moving out of St. George in the last two weeks of the month, so if you would like to pop by for a visit before then, give us a call or message us.

Back to the valley

   While the SMCC stuff was going on, which actually was the smaller portion of my spiritual low, I was both working for Therapy companies in St. George and interviewing with churches in the Salt Lake area. The therapy jobs were a ton of fun but they either didn't have enough hours or didn't pay enough money. On account of this, for three months, I had to work two full time jobs, clocking typically 80 hours a week. Work was fun, but family life was rough. My relationship with Melissa and the kids suffered, simply on account of absence. By mid June, I decided this wasn't working and switched to working at Alliance Fire & Safety (in St. George) as the General Manager, which is what I have been doing to date. (sweet job by the way)

    As for the churches I was checking out, that was a wild ride. It started with where it has ended, with Capital Church and God did some cool things with that, that I will eventually share in another blog. For now, I will touch on two other churches and my experience with them.

   First, there was the Rising in Draper. I met with Pastor Jason and his team and everything seemed to be going really well and they even offered me a job in January but for whatever reason, it didn't feel right. I thought that it was because it was going to interfere with my schooling and I wouldn't be able to do both the job and school well, giving them each the attention they deserved. I turned it down. What I am realizing now is that the reason was that there was a poison in my soul that I had to deal with. I needed to go through my next experience before I was even remotely close to being ready for ministry.

   Second, I interviewed with Mountain Life up in Park City. This one was close. It seemed like it was going to happen. I liked them and they liked me. It even got to the point where we were making moves to head up there and they were ready for us as a solid verbal offer was on the table. I quit my jobs, I dropped out of school, and we were looking at houses. For whatever reason, 9 days before we were supposed to head up, the door closed abruptly and the job was lost. It was bizarre. The pastoral staff wanted me but for some reason through perhaps politics, or even God's hand, I was no longer able to work for them. (it was during my interviews with Mountain Life that the mess with SMCC the springs both started and ended)

    This experience sent me into a dark spiritual place.  For the first time in years, I was questioning my faith. Why would God do this to me and my family? First we lose our son, and struggled, and second, we are given this church to be a part of, and get our hopes up, and then it is ripped away from us. It made no sense. Come on God! 

   I could talk in great detail what my experience in darkness was like and the feelings that went along with it; however, for the sake of time, I will leave that for another day. I was able to come to the end of myself to see how far away I had walked from the Lord. 
   For whatever reason, I decided to read the Bible again. It is amazing how simple this was and yet how impacting it became quite rapidly. It was through my reading of the Book of John that God began healing my heart. 

   It was also at this time, God lead me back to Capital and we started interviewing there. Through my experiences with Troy, and how God has lead us to Capital, that God has helped me see how broken I was. I did not realize the bitterness I had and that I even needed to deal with it. 

   I believe that I was not ready for the Rising, I believe I was not ready for Mountain Life. I needed to see how far away I had pushed God out of my heart. It was when I found out how far I had gone, that I realized I needed him and was able to start pursuing him again. 

    It all started with simply reading a chapter of the Bible a day and He began working on my heart. Since then, doors have been opening left and right and he has been leading us so clearly. 

   We are ready and excited to jump back into youth ministry and follow where God is leading and are looking forward to this new adventure. We will always be grateful for the impact you have had on our lives. God Bless! See you soon!

    

   I apologize for the length of this and perhaps how scattered it is. There is a lot to say in a short blog. If you ever want to talk about our experience, hit me up.

   

Flat Tire

   This past year I have started something to help with the "becoming a man" belly. I picked up a road bike and began riding to work 3 times a week.  Of course the reasons of getting out of shape were the original motivation, yet I soon realized that there is a substantial financial benefit to it as well. We began saving a substantial amount of money in gas each month. So saving money, getting fresh air, and enjoyable work out seemed to be like a win, win!
   Enter the problems: there is over 200 feet in elevation difference between my house and the church where I work, in a short distance, which continually reminds me how in shape I am not, and for whatever reason, I got the Bike that seems to get a flat tire every other time I am riding home. I have called Melissa to pick me up, called a college student from our church for a ride, or in the case where I have had Ella in the wagon behind me, I walk my bike home.
   This brings me to yesterday. As I was riding my bike home and coming around Dixie State College (University now I think), I once again had a flat tire. My usual reaction, "are you kidding me?" followed by the thought of thinking this is ridiculous and not worth it to make it to work on the bike and seemingly to never make it home. I was about ready to give up on this bike, and take it back to the shop in all my anger and frustration, demanding a refund.
   The college kids are Spring Break, so no rides there. Most of my friends are not in place where they could swing by. I thought of calling Melissa to pick me up but realized pretty quickly that with the jeep in the shop, the car full of salon stuff needing to be unloaded, she would need to drive my van. No big deal right? Well, not so simple. My 1978 GMC Vandura, 3/4 ton lifted 4x4, oxidized orange van, is the most undesirable vehicle that I have ever owned according to my wife, and some other women. In fact, some joke it should have the words "free candy" on the side and play circus music. I do not feel that way about it at all it might be the coolest vehicle any respected red neck could own; however, Melissa, clearly, is not as enlightened as I am in this area. I am more likely to squeeze coffee out of a lemon than to get Melissa to drive the van. Don't get me wrong, if it was absolutely NECESSARY, she would do anything for me (ANYTHING) but this time, since I have legs that function, I would be walking. I think she was busy with people over at our house anyway so I didn't even call.
   So there I was, annoyed with my circumstance, pushing my bike up the steepest part of my trip, playing through my head all the things I intend to say to the gentleman who sold me the bike when I walk this lemon into his shop (by my house). I was so determined to be frustrated that I had it in my head that if anyone pulled over to help me, I would refuse. How could they possibly understand? This is happens so much! You think helping me this one time fixes my bigger problem? No! I am going to grumble my way to the shop, so these people will experience my pain! Fortunately, nobody stopped. :)
   Now as I walked along a thought hit me. Most likely, God was tapping me on the shoulder, and once again my thoughts went to my boy Nate. For just a brief moment I remembered the pain of finding him and holding his lifeless body, and like lightning hitting my brain, perspective punched me between the eyes. There are worse things in life that could happen than pushing a bicycle with a flat tire home. My heart sunk, and I pretty quickly realized that I am blessed with legs, fresh air, and warm sunshine (It is beautiful here in March for all my Canadian friends; I am already in shorts and T-shirts; lol). I thanked God for my son, and the life Christ gives me everyday and felt a change of heart. Walking, was alright by me.
   It is usually easy to see in hindsight, but sometimes not. When I am the victim, I can't see anything but chains of pain around me. I am so hurt and focused inward that there is nothing and no one around me  that can help me see otherwise. It seems counter-intuitive to attempt to look outside for healing and get my eyes off of myself. Here is the kicker for me, as long as I stay focused on the bad, it stays right where it is. When I switch to the good, the bad starts to slowly but surely seem less significant. In that sense, sometimes the best thing you can do in a rough those rough moments is get out and do something fun or go be with encouraging people rather than pull back in recluse  to wallow in self pity.
   So how did my day end? Well, I got to the shop without grumbling and felt like I was in a good mood. The owner, Will, saw me, and knowing I have had troubles, instantly told me that he would do anything he could to make it right including a full refund in which he would eat the cost. I didn't even ask for it but he took care of me anyway. Next, my jeep in shop, well I got a call from Moses (my mechanic), and he told me it was fixed. I asked him the cost, and he said nothing. He has been working on it for three weeks, found the problem, felt it was connected to prior work he had done for me, and decided he would not charge me a dime. Love that guy. (Just wish I could speak Spanish so I could understand him fully)
    I made it home with a fixed bike, fixed jeep, a wife who is always loving and happy to see me, a daughter who makes me feel like the best dad in the world, and a God who is always gracious. Life is good! Sure glad I didn't get caught up in the small stuff. :)

Happy Birthday Son

In re-reading this before I posted it, it seemed that I am a little all over. :) I hope you enjoy!

"If our baby thinks it is coming out on the 29th (leap day), it has another thing coming. I am going to gas pedal that baby in there till the 1st." Yep, those words actually came out of my mouth. I felt quite strongly about not having a leap day baby and yet that is what we ended up with. I need to remind myself to stop saying "never" because it always seems to happen. ....I never want to be super wealthy!... well, that one doesn't work but most the others do. Interestingly enough, the never always end up better than I could imagine, especially my leap day baby boy! Leap day now is pretty special.
One year ago either today or tomorrow, our little baby boy Nathaniel Henry Wiebe was born. Now, I am going to divert from the "beautiful baby" talk for a moment because I actually think babies look kind of funny when they are new born. They are kind of squishy looking. I was caught off guard at the births of both my children with that momentary thought of, "ummm? (observe) uhhh? (take in) Ok. (resolve) Here we go!" I get it and know why, they just went through an intense transition but "beautiful looking" baby for me comes a few days later. In spite of all that, even if the physical appearance isn't how they look in the movies, I love my babies at the first moment I meet them, and in fact they are beautiful to me, just a little goofy looking.
Becoming a dad has been one of the best things I have experienced in my life. I am honored by the challenge, responsibility, and privilege that comes with being a dad. It is one of the most important things in this life we men are presented with. Sadly many of us do not take it as seriously as we should. We fail to realize that there is not a single thing on this earth that can mess up our children more than we can but I will save that topic for another day. Let me get back to Nate.
Today, marks two things: He has now been gone from us for four months and either today (or tomorrow :P) he would be turning one years old. It is very hard not being able to celebrate with my little guy. Even harder is the fact that we have two days rather than one to go through it. With that said, we are going through it and the Lord continues to give us strength each step of the way.
To quote my good friend Zack, "we don't necessarily move on, but we can move forward." The pain will lesson and, in many ways, make us stronger but it will always be there even if we can look passed it. The pain does not stop us, or give us grounds to give up. There is still much life to live and much more to fight for. We move forward.
In this, we have picked up a tradition that our friends the Reeves from Northern Utah do for the daughter they lost, and will celebrate Nate's birthday by doing something that we will not get to do with him. So tomorrow, in true red neck fashion, we are going to head out to a favorite Jeeping spot for the day and cook some hot dogs over an open fire. It is something that I am sure he would have enjoyed.
I want finish with sharing this, I have realized now more than ever, that this life is what I make of it. Bad things can happen to me, or anyone for that matter, that don't seem fair and are quite horrible, it is still my decision on how I am going to react to it. I am in control of my response.
On that note, for those who would like to know how I am, I am doing well. Some days are harder than others, but God is good everyday. Just saying.

I love you Nate! Happy Birthday! Have fun with Jesus today (or tomorrow)! We will have some fun down here for you.

Next Steps

I officially went back to work yesterday. My alarm went off at 7:45. I have chosen the theme song from the most recent series of Battlestar Gallactica for my alarm which I just recently realized is somewhat fitting. In the TV series, the human race battles daily to survive against an evil robotic race. In my world, I battle the dreaded siren known as warm comfy bed. Really, it is just a catchy song. I like it.

The morning started with breakfast with my family. I made eggs. Scrambled. I am still not sure of my way around the kitchen so scrambling eggs seems like a safe bet. Melissa said they were good, and my little Ella..."Dad, I want cereal." That is what she had.

It is moments like these that seem simple, but I sure like watching my little girl find her way and make decisions for herself. I always need to remind myself to appreciate and enjoy the ordinary. 

After breakfast I was off to work, where I met up with my boss and my new assignment as I am to adjust back to work and figure out the new normal. As such, our lead pastor, is allowing me to ease back into the position with giving me just two assignments: I am to work with our church's small groups (weekly group meetings in homes), and our Next Steps program. More on this in a moment.

The rest of the day went well, as I organized my office, hung a picture of Nate on the wall, and began evaluating how and where to start focusing my time and efforts. It was a good day. 

The thing that has brought me to write today, is Next Steps. In our church, Next Steps represents what we do to help people take their next step in their relationship with Christ, wherever that may be. It could be meeting Him for the first time, placing their faith in Him, joining a small group that will help them grow, baptism, etc. I am really excited about this opportunity, as I am realizing that I get quite excited when people take a step in their life for the better.

In fact, it can be any step for the better that excites me. It could be the college student who makes a decision to follow their conviction over peer pressure. It could be the teenager that finds confidence. It could be the couple that decides to change how they handle money to better their marriage and circumstances. It could even be that person who talks a little less and listens a little more for the first time. In the case of our relationship with Jesus, it would be that one little step away from our inward focus, towards Him. I love forward motion!

So here it is, I made two of my own "next steps:" one, I finally put my application for American Citizenship in the mail, and two, I changed my Facebook profile picture.

The citizenship application has been 10 years coming (how long I have lived in the USA), and it is nice to finally take that step towards Merican-ing (southern drawl) myself. A few months, a test, and an interview with a judge, and I will be a full blown US citizen. 

The Facebook profile picture change was much harder and has a lot deeper and personal implications. It might not seem like a big deal; however, when Nate died back in November, I changed my profile pic to a sweet shot of him. It has been his pic till today. I don't feel like changing it makes him gone anymore than he already is, but it was part of a prayer and step of trust I needed to take. I need to let him go and trust the Lord that he has him in his care. I know this and believe this but it has been a hard pill to swallow. Keeping his picture up was one more way that I have been gripping the past. Clinging to an off chance of some miraculous event that it is all dream. Silly, I know, but under the circumstances, many silly things are normal. 

I love my boy, and always will. He is in the arms of my savior. This little small change of a silly social network site, was symbolic for me. I am attempting to move forward. I know I will fall back and I know it is still so close and there are many days of sadness to come.  I know that in the days to come, as we would have been celebrating his 1st birthday there will be many tears. Though here is my reality, I need to keep walking. I need to take my next step, even if it is a little one. 

Something profound...

....or not.
     As I sit and ponder what has been on my mind and try to come up with interesting ways to put it down, for some reason I just come up blank. It has been an interesting, fun, and difficult couple of weeks, with lots of family visiting, Christmas, New Years, riding the public transit train in Salt Lake City, and of course, some good old shooting of guns in the desert. There has not been a lot of time to catch my thoughts and in my life, I can barely catch them on a good day.
     So here I sit, looking back at the whirlwind of fun that the holidays can bring and the frustrating emotional moments of that empty seat, belonging to my son.
     I haven't fully been able to grasp my new reality without him. There are constant reminders of what could have been that no longer is. When we sit down for dinner, the three us, I look at the space he once occupied and try to imagine him here now. The place in the car that now serves as extra packing space for all the things Melissa would like to bring on our travels, once held his car seat but no longer. The nursery (Ella's room) that still bares his name on the wall has an absence to it. These are just a few of the daily experiences I have and the holidays had their fair share.
     There is no need to despair, for there is still much good in our lives that comes right alongside all the hard times. Melissa and I are expecting again, and we are delighted at another child in the Wiebe home. We pray for our new baby and as a couple continue to grow stronger together. Also, watching our little girl get excited over seeing Uncles and Aunties, cousin, and Grandparents, is always a delight. She brings such funny moments to each day and is regularly a fire cracker of fun.
     One recent story in particular makes me smile. Melissa's Dad took us out to eat one night and I decided to share my soda pop with Ella. She sucked it in and spit it out just as fast all over herself. Being dad, I immediately explained that this is not ok, and that even if she didn't like it, she should not spit it out. She replied by simply stating, "if I don't like it, you should not put it in my mouth." Good point, and a good laugh. I am glad she is turning 3 soon because being told the obvious by a two year old feels a little odd...Actually, it will probably feel the same at three.
     These holidays had their ups and downs with numerous things that would bring a smile or a tear, sometimes both. It all seems bittersweet.
     It does make me wonder if this is the new normal. A bittersweet taste to many events of our lives for many years to come. I am told it wears off a little bit but never completely goes away. I do not believe that it is all that bad though, or even something to be discouraged by. Let me explain what I mean in terms of food. When I bite into something that is bitter, the taste always make me focus more on what I am putting in my mouth, while too much sweetness tends to cause me to get sick, or at least it makes it harder to put my shoes on with the growth of the belly that I have come to call "Wiebe Pride" (seems to run in the family).
     In terms of life, the bitterness constantly causes me to step back and look at my life. I might not always get the best perspective but I evaluate non-the-less. The sweetness to me represents the blessings. Now how can these be bad? By themselves, I don't think they can, yet, too many blessings, I believe, can be dangerous. For some reason, I end up believing that I deserve them and I am owed them rather than being gracious for them. An example: I think we can lose touch with the fact that we are blessed just by being born in North America and take it for granted that we were not born in a third world country where many of us wouldn't even make it out of childhood.
     I suppose what it means to me, today, is simply that this balance of reality can keep my life in check appreciating the gift of life that God has given, and at the same time keeping me focused on what is truly important.
    ...there it is. I caught my thoughts...

Where to Start

     Tomorrow will be seven weeks since Nathaniel went to be with Jesus and our lives are anything but put back together, though we are standing and we are moving forward. We miss our little guy more than thought possible.
     Some days are pretty good actually, and we are able to live and feel slightly ok. Other days, it is hard to figure out where to start. Those are the days where the roller coaster of emotions we have experienced really keep us from being able to jump back into "normal" life. We cry, we struggle to find motivation, we hurt, and in my case I can be quite angry on the inside. It is interesting to note that these rough days and moments come without warning, often without prompting, and leave me, at least, wondering about this constant battle between emotion and wisdom because really what separates a good day from bad is how I feel, not what I know.
     That being said, I have been observing this back and forth between emotions and wisdom during this time of grief. Those who believe that the two are one and the same, I challenge you to read on and consider some things that I found. Wisdom is being that of knowing what is right, and emotions are being how I feel and want to act. One always seems to end up the slave of the other in this valley that I currently walk. There are times where the relationship between the two seems healthy and there is respectful treatment of the other; while there are also times when one pushes the other so far out that you don't even know that it is there.
     Let me give an example: I have considered on more than one occasion how much easier it would be to uproot our family and head back to the farm, to which would seem to be a quiet life, much simpler than being a minister, though the actual "work" would be more labor intensive, I would find rest. On top of that, it would be in hockey country. That sounds so good to me, and based on how I feel when emotion is master, I can convince myself that I deserve it. I have given my entire adult life to God's kingdom and the church(10 years), and I have had my heart ripped out and, what feels like, everything taken away. I deserve quiet and simple and I don't believe anyone would hold it against me.
     Compare that to getting back into ministry, in which people need you to be strong, people need you to lead, the hours never stop and you are never off the clock, and you are constantly fighting for battleground for eternity. Maybe to some a Pastor's job seems easy, and a lot of the time it sure can be;  however, it is those moments of spiritual warfare that come from taking a stance and choosing the side of Christ, and the emotional maturity (or lack there of) that comes with working with people that make this job end up on the tougher end. So which will it be? Pigs? or People? (I laughed as I wrote that because sometimes the line can seem a little blurry pending on the day or person)
     Emotionally, the farm seems like a better pick. But where is the wisdom?
     Wisdom got pushed out the door. What? It would seem wise to make a move like that for the health of me and my family doesn't it? Maybe, but for me wisdom is deeper than that. It is centered around God's purpose for me and our lives in eternity. It means, as the band Switchfoot put it, "we were meant to live for so much more."
     My wisdom says, God is good in all things, even this, and you will see your son again. I have a relationship with Christ. He died for me so that I might live, so that my son is in heaven in his arms right now. Wisdom also says my family is the body of Christ and serving in His mission can bring many more into the fold. Basically, it will be hard, it will be tough, it hurts now, and there is more hurt to come, but in the end the eternal consequences for obedience to the Lord and loving His people, will bring about a happiness and joy greater than any experience here during this earthly existence. Wisdom says stay in ministry and keep up the fight.
     That is a pretty intense example so let me put it on a lower level. There have now been three times where emotions have really taken over me and I have punched a filing cabinet, a door, and a wall. I was overwhelmed with anger and hurt and lashed out beating these objects with one solid knockout...I think I almost broke my wrist on the filing cabinet and each time it hurt like crazy and didn't really make me feel any better. Most of you would probably agree with this statement,"duh!" Wisdom would say, that wood is stronger than skin, bad idea. Emotion said, "aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! PUNCH! Owe! Dang it! This really hurts!"
     As I read my own thoughts it sure seems like one is easier and I guess that is my point. When emotions rule my decisions, wisdom comes in second. When wisdom rules my decisions, it doesn't necessarily feel all that good. Obviously, there are other circumstances in which we can make different points for emotions and wisdom being more closely connected and yes the two can work together, but writing about that wouldn't make me FEEL good (LOL). One of them is generally the winner and master which our decisions and behaviors follow.